10:29 a.m. - 2003-05-30
portulaca. depression. greg
portulaca is such a good name for a flower, and the flowers themselves are so much fun - how could you not like a flower that changes colour? the chameleon of the plant world... though slightly different.
things are changing again, between greg and i, and i'm trying once again to redefine the nature of this relationship.
(and here is where the online nature of this diary first comes into play. because i already know all our history, and see no need to repeat it. but someone reading this won't, and would be left to wonder. unless i take the time to explain myself. *sigh*)
so. quick synopsis; i met him years ago, visiting a friend, and ran into him again a year later, when i moved to the city. he was interested in taking pictures of me, and after a few inquiries about him to mutual friends, i agreed.
we ended up doing quite a lot of photos over the years, and spending a lot of time in each other's company, talking about all sorts of things and drinking far too many caffeinated beverages, and became very good friends. he's seen me engaged and married and divorced, happy, sad, working and poor. i've watched him change and develop his skill at photography, and go through varied living situations, relationships and moods. his depression and mental illness make our relationship more difficult than most, but seemingly worth the time and effort required.
one of the biggest issues between us has somehow gone 6 years without being addressed... until now. and we've finally talked about his attraction to me, and my obliviousness, and the unhealthy nature of the unspoken expectations between us.
i still don't know what to think about it all. sometimes i get so angry at the little mind games and manipulative tantrums he throws. i get sick of hearing the same whines again and again, the same pleas for attention and love and reassurance, the same selfish accusations and childish complaints.
knowing that it's a result of mental illness makes it easier to withstand, easier to overlook the insults and accusations, easier to forgive and try to help heal.
and he is a very good friend. maybe it's compensation for his bad days, but he goes out of his way to do so many nice and selfless things for the people he really cares for. he's talented and determined and resourceful, and also a wonderful cook.
he and i both know there is no way anything romantic could occur between us, but i still don't know how to respond to his possiveness, jealousy, and anger. he just tried to end this friendship permanently (again), and maybe i should have let it happen, but... it was done in anger, and dishonesty, and i just couldn't let it lie, so i called him on it, and we ended up talking, and then spending an afternoon gingerly talking around the issues. and now? well, maybe we've reached another level to this friendship, and maybe we're just stretching out the death throes.
most friendships don't last this long - people grow apart after fights, or misundertandings, or just out of apathy, but we've always fought and worked to make this last. i don't really understand what it is we give each other, or whether it's as healthy as we pretend it is, but it's taught me a lot over the years.
we share a mental intimacy that many couples never achieve, and the added intimacy between photographer and model, and that makes the purely platonic nature of our friendship a very strange thing, i think.
apart from that - well, there's this new potential relationship that's slowly being built online, and that's something curious and interesting and i'm full of self-doubt and uncertainty and anticipation.
and i'm worried about family, scattered as we are, and what's happening and where, and when we'll all be together again.
and even about the terribly mundane problem of money and work and what i really want to do with my life. because this isn't it, but i still don't know what is.
