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10:23 p.m. - 2003-06-18
conquer film girl, conquer film

(and i warn you, the word trust features heavily near the end of this entry)

not that i'm suggesting for a moment that he's only using me.

earlier, as we sprawled, and talked, and thought, we wandered onto the what-the-hell-are-we-doing topic - is this a friendship? might it become a relationship? a mid-life crisis and a hormonal rush?

as someone undertaking a career change, shifting from something known, and understood, and solid, to something as mercurial and unpredictable as film, there's a certain appeal in having something (someone) solid and true and real in your arms.

i know. i remember being there too.

and seven years later i still don't feel entirely secure in what i do. never knowing where your next paycheck is coming from isn't something that everyone can learn to adapt to, though for me it's just one more thing which, if left alone long enough, tends to resolve itself.

still, i remember the early years, and how i would lie awake in *his* arms and just savour the feeling of one certain, solid thing in my world. i was fresh out of school, and still full of idealism and passion (as opposed to being the withered and jaded fountain of bitterness that i became...) (just ask *him*) and i didn't know that the world wasn't exactly what you want it to be.

and now?

i know that people are almost never what you expect them to be, but very often they're just what you need.

and i know that the world doesn't revolve around me (or anyone else) and is unfair in my favour about as often as it's unfair in someone else's.

the friendship that's building here is more important than anything else that might come out of this.

so maybe one of his motivations is the idea that, in conquering me, he will also be conquering the industry he's trying to move into. and that, in accepting him on my own behalf i am also accepting him on behalf of the whole industry.

and even though neither one of us believes that, fear of rejection is a very powerful thing, and often plays games with the mind. and being held is one of the very best ways to fight that fear.

it doesn't really matter though - it isn't why we get along.

it's one thing to build fantasies and another thing entirely to implement them - and what we're doing isn't about power games and ulterior motives.

for me, this is becoming a good friendship very quickly.

learning to trust another person after being hurt is learning to trust yourself again.

conquer film girl, conquer film.

 

 

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