11:27 p.m. - 2003-06-21
did he fall or was he pushed?
is it selfish of me to want to be held tonight, of all nights?
of all the choices i've made in my life, good or bad, *he* was the one that has brought me the most pain. and this night, our anniversary, i still can't look back and remember the joy. the rest of the year (mostly) i can think about the good things, but tonight all i see is the betrayal, the hurt, and the overwhelming sense of failure.
i know i'm not the first person to fail in a relationship, and i know i won't be the last, but it's still so hard to look at the choices i made, and the confidence i gave, and the trust i had, and not feel the fool.
i want to walk out into the endless desert, the barren hills, the planted fields, the dark, moist forests, the rolling ocean, the blinding snow, the dirty cities, the wasteland that i see when i close my eyes, and dream.
i want to walk through all the landscapes of my mind until i find the place i abandoned my faith in love and chose lust over friendship instead.
i want to hear the prayers of the innocent, and the heartbeat of an angel, and fall asleep without thinking of my empty places. i want to erase the past.
i want a compass that shows me the direction i�m supposed to be going, something that helps me navigate the currents of desire and illusion with a surety not found in my own inner workings.
tonight fragmentary images and ideas in my head swirl and shift and yearn to be let out, in words or pictures, on paper or on the screen or directly into another human heart, but the guilt and hopelessness i feel stop it all from escaping. so instead it boils and grows and tears at the soft places in my mind.
and ultimately that is the goal, to take my innermost workings and translate them directly into the heart of another. to have, for a fleeting second, the knowledge that i am not alone.
