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7:26 p.m. - 2003-07-17
i was up above it
if there was ever a time i hated my ex-husband, it was this afternoon.

i've felt so many things for him over the years. love and affection, anger and pity, trust and resentment... but today i think i actually hated him.

i'm really not proud of that.

i was falling so hard, so fast, so deep when i came up against this wall that he left behind. ice cold water and public shame, tears in my eyes that i tried desperately to hide, but the anger just bled right through. i have no respect for him right now, but i also have no respect for myself, and i hate him for making me hate myself, for making me feel so low, so worthless, so entirely undeserving of love.

i want to scream, to cry, to rage, to flee, to drive my body until there's nothing left of me but a raw and bleeding shell. no sense of self, of pain, of this pure and endless despair.

this isn't so much about this last failed try as about the (lack of) acceptance that this will follow me for the rest of my life. until now it somehow hadn't caught up to me, it hadn't become real, maybe because up until now i hadn't let myself care. i hadn't wanted to. and now that i want to, it seems that i can't.

i forgot what it felt like to hurt this badly.

i forgot what it felt like to hate myself.

what i used to think was me is just a fading memory, and everything i never liked about you is kinda creeping into me.

 

 

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