6:25 a.m. - 2003-07-17
wetgod
i dreamed about a bear cub, biting me, gently, and unaware of how much it hurt me. is that where i am? this is small enough right now that all i can do is hurt myself. it could get big enough to destroy me all over again.
i don't know if i'm that strong.
when i lie awake beside him everything is simple, but when i come home it all seems so far away. i'm afraid of tearing this apart without knowing what i have, of throwing away a thing that i can't understand how to hold. he holds me in his sleep and nothing matters, and that's ok, but i come to work and can't concentrate because nothing matters there either.
maybe this isn't about him at all, it's about my own indecision and fear and lack of direction. maybe i'm afraid that wherever i may (or may not) be going, i might inadvertently bring him with me. and maybe i'm afraid that it could actually work.
on saturday, in the park, it was so simple. so easy. on the bike holding him warm under my hands with the rain cold all through us was so natural. taking his hand on sunday on the way back home was almost too much, but not taking it would have been worse. (i'm just not patient enough.) and monday night was familiar on so many levels that i forgot to be uneasy.
what's wrong with me that i no longer believe in myself? i sabotage my own happiness by doubting its validity, and that's unfair to both of us - so what secret am i hiding (from)?
one hand drops and the other hand catches.
one hand catches and the other hand drops.
there's no taking back a welcome.
