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8:33 a.m. - 2003-07-18
fragile cage
the wolves are back and they won't let me sleep at night. (raging against the bars of this fragile cage)

i remember having doubts over the years, but it wasn't until i was married to him that i learned to truly hate myself.

i learned to lie to myself, and i learned not to believe my instincts.

i learned that i was not worth loving, not worth touching, not worth holding.

i learned that i was physically unappealing, and mentally uninteresting and incapable of making reasonable decisions.

i learned that my life ought to have been about making his life better, and i felt like a failure every time i saw him slip further into his depression and pain. i also learned that my needs and wants, my pain and joy, my physical and mental health all needed to come second to his. and it was so subtle and insidious that i never saw it until long after it was over, and i was left behind shaking.

i still lie awake at night, wondering what anyone could see in me that would make them want to know me, or be with me, or love me. it's definitely worse with men than women, and it isn't getting better. it wasn't until now - with Jody - that i started to see how deep this thing runs. i knew that i was still dealing with a few issues, that i had some work to do yet...

i didn't realize that i honestly don't feel like i'm worth loving. i accept love from my female friends easily and joyfully - perhaps because, as a rule, i still trust women to be honest with me. when it comes to men however, i can't seem to believe that their affection could possibly be grounded in fact. i spend so much time looking for the traps they are building that i don't see how i build my own.

add to that the problems that i know i have, the ones that aren't just shattered trust and wretched self-image, and there isn't much left over. it's been so long since i wanted to let myself care about anybody that much. i saw how fast it was building, and how precarious it could be, but i didn't heed the warnings i sent myself.

wolves. hungry. angry. restless and pacing and looking for the soft places.

 

 

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