7:42 p.m. - 2003-07-24
sound of knives
softly, darkly, tauntingly, with a dangerous precision and the sound of knives, floating through the dreams above my head and severing my ties to love and hope. the feathers they leave behind remind me of an endless sense of loss.
i can watch the crows heading home for the night out the window. flying by metrotown, the sun reflects off all the glass and steel and this simple critical migration takes on slightly epic proportions.
maybe he'll find this online diary, and maybe he won't. i gave him explicit permission to search for it, implicit permission to read it. i'm sure that if i asked him not to, he wouldn't. (perhaps i'm too optomistic)
i'm having a lot of fun, no matter what we do or where we go. last night's picnic was a wonderful idea, and reinforces the comfort and simple joy i take in his presence. i have so many doubts here, but so far they're all about myself. i know that i'm not where i need to be, but i also recognize that perhaps i never will be, and that shouldn't keep me from being happy. being honest with myself is the hardest thing sometimes - to see both my strengths and my weaknesses and understand them both. to know where i need to change, and where i just want to change.
i don't want to end up using him to fill the empty spaces in myself - these recent intense instances have left me groping for light, and it's all too easy to turn to his joy instead of finding my own. i don't think that's what i'm doing, and it seems like as long as i'm aware of the possibility, i can avoid actually doing it, but i still wonder. i want to build this slowly, carefully, honestly... there's been too much emotion in my life recently - too many highs and crashing lows and compelling reasons to care. not that there's anything wrong with caring, or with trust. it's just that i feel like i'm doing this not because it's the right thing, but because it's the easy thing - i want to love, or at least to care, and perhaps i'm not being as discriminating in my choices as i ought to be.
having said that, however, she tilted.
no wait. what i meant was, having decided that i've been committing myself too much too soon to someone who wasn't what i'm looking for, i don't see any reason that he isn't maybe what i'm looking for now. what i do see is someone interesting and intelligent and fun to be with that i want to get to know well enough to know if i want to get to know him better. or am i already past that point? i'm not falling head over heels, i'm not obsessed, and i'm not thinking about him every moment of every day. what i am doing is looking forward to spending more time with him, enjoying our conversations and our silences, and smiling a lot. he makes me laugh, and he makes me think, and those are both very important. things are moving too quickly, but we've talked about that too, and... well, maybe we'll get that under control, maybe we won't. to me what's important that we've talked about it, and both seem to feel the same - that kisses aren't contracts and there is nothing being promised here. i don't know what we're building, but when i think about the way he smiles at me, i can't help but smile too.
i was reading back today, and there's a soft madness to the intensity of some of my entries. i don't know if i can defend them or not - if there really is a madness inside of me, or simply that in putting it all down outside of my own mind, i diffuse something that would otherwise grow.
maybe it's madness. maybe it's obsession. maybe it's a healthy way of dealing with emotion and confusion and joy and pain. maybe it's all of the above. i don't know if it matters, and i don't know if it paints an accurate picture of who i am, but i think it's a necessary thing for me to do, whether online or on paper to clarify my thinking and control the wolves.
