8:39 p.m. - 2003-08-09
of the sun
and the sun
i didn't know i could do that. i didn't realize he would do that. i want to do it again.
(is that too purposefully vague?)
i love the casual comfort between us, though this is not, in the end, so casual, it seems. he told me that he updated his personal ad specifically to attract a response from me. i was flattered. and pleased. i still worry about getting hurt, or about hurting him... i don't want to care as much as i do - i don't want him to care as much as he seems to. this is getting old, this fear/care/fear theme. the question remains; will i subconsciously sabotage this out of the unreasonable belief that i don't deserve to be loved by someone so good? not that i'm saying he loves me yet, and neither is he, but the potential is certainly there.
went to see cirque du soleil this evening, which only reinforced my desire to run away and join the circus. there are a number of things standing in the way of that dream, but i'm blissfully choosing to ignore them for the opportunity to fantasize about a life surrounded by that much colour and light.
on a lighter level, my thoughts turn to the ways in which i can create lighter, more colourful distractions in my own living space, head and life. i wish i realized more of my dreams, and dreamed more of my goals. my goal right now is to have goals, my dream to have dreams.
how much of my life am i compromising in allowing myself to sit in stasis like this? my life is on hold while i try to understand where it might be going... but without movement, direction is impossible to determine - i face all directions and none, see things everywhere but fail to recognize that which surrounds me.
