2:49 p.m. - 2003-10-02
see?
i feel as if no matter how hard i try, i will never become as much as i should... never achieve the heights that i ought to be capable of - and somehow, that discourages me from trying at all. that's terrible, i know, and it makes me embarrassed to be human some days, and yet it's still one of the things that holds me back.
i guess what's changed recently is that i'm realizing that whether or not i take that step forward, i'm still getting older, time is still passing, and i'm the one who will (or will not) change me. so at this point any change i make, regardless of how it turns out, will still be a step forward. i have two months left in this place, though i don't necessarily need to have made a decision by then. if i haven't, i can still move into mom's place on the reserve, though i'm not sure if she'll be there or not. and if i've decided something by then? i'll be moving to wherever i can best realize that goal. the east coast has always been appealing... but so has montreal... but it would be nice to be close to mom again... and there's always other countries...
every time i try to set boundaries, i become aware of how arbitrary and limiting they are; do i want to live in east van or west van? what about heading out to the valley? or into central bc? what about the north? should i even stay in bc? there's so much of canada out there to choose from. of course, i could head down into the states as well, especially if i just wanted to be a student again, or keep going into mexico, central america, down into south america... why stay in the americas? europe was wonderful, scotland was magic, i've always wanted to see turkey and lebanon and russia... ryan tells me that thailand is fabulous, and egypt is fascinating, and i didn't get nearly enough of west africa...
see? it goes on forever. there are so many countries i'll never experience, and that seems like such a terrible loss, but isn't is just as bad that i won't even see all of my own country? everything is a limitation if we allow it to be.
everything is an opportunity, if we choose to see it that way.
time to change the way i look at my life again.
