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8:29 p.m. - 2003-10-06
the worst thing

this is killing me. literally. this is ripping me apart inside, taking away my joy and hope and happiness. i can't decide what's worse; listening to her scream hateful things at her children, or listening to the children crying and screaming in return. i don't know if i should call social services, or talk to her dad, or try to ignore the whole thing because it's none of my business... but if her pain and rage has such a terrible effect on me, i can't imagine how bad it must be for those poor boys. as if my own problems and indecision didn't have me feeling lost and confused enough already, now i'm constantly having my face shoved in how meaningless my own uncertainty is in the face of this emotional killing of children.

i wish i could figure out what to do about it. if there's anything i can do. turning my back seems so wrong... but so does anything else i can think of. abuse is abuse, no matter what, and ignoring it is never the right choice.

in lighter fields? er. hmmm. i was going to talk about jason all light and happy-like, but that's not so perfect either. not that anything is specifically wrong, just that there's something new between us now that i know i'm leaving. we both knew it would end sooner or later, but i think neither of us was ready for it to be this soon. now i don't know whether i should be planning on grieving the loss of such a good friend or being relieved to get away from this with so little (comparatively) emotional damage. it's going to hurt when it ends, that's fairly certain, but it hasn't been long enough/built up strong enough to... to what? in some ways i don't think i should be thinking about this at all, but rather just moving blithely towards the end, not thinking too much about when that will be, or whether *this* will be the last time i see him, the last time we kiss, the last...

see, i'm just in this hurting and melancholy mood tonight, i think, and trying to exorcise my demons by giving them names and faces. at this rate i could type (or write) for the next two weeks and not make a dent in the layers of voices and doubts and troubles and stresses.

maybe ice cream will help.

 

 

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