6:51 p.m. - 2003-10-09
justify
i'm concerned about my recent mood swings. it's barely possible i'm only suffering from pms, though in a far more extreme form than i'm accustomed to. however, it feels a lot more like what i imagine depression to be, and that, honestly, scares me a lot. while i recognize that there are a number of typical triggers for depression in my life right now, it's still a hard thing for me to wrap my head around or even really acknowledge.
part of that fear - probably most of it - is the number of really shitty, abusive, manipulative things that have been done to me over the years by people who used their depression as an excuse and a shield for their behaviour - an (inaccurate) link has been created in my mind to the effect that "everyone suffering from depression will use/abuse/take advantage of those who are close to them, causing them pain."
and there are so many people in my life right now who are being so loving and supportive and wonderful, and the idea that i could be repaying that kindness with abuse is awful - it scares me and it angers me and it just makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry and scream and die.
don't misunderstand, i don't want to die - i'm not suicidal, or even close - i've never felt that ending my life would solve my problems at all, and even if it did, it wouldn't be worth all the pain it would cause the people who love me.
still, i wish i could kill that part of me that feels this way.
