4:14 p.m. - 2003-10-10
unreasonable
unreasonable.
this... crush. this love i have for a man so far out of my reach. it's been going strong for more than five years, and i don't love him any less. i don't even want him any less, and walk away from any contact with him with head spinning and eyes closed. i know he loves me too (and the day he told me that everything suddenly became indescribably easier to bear) but that's as far as it can ever go for more reasons than i let myself think about.
seeing him again today brought that into the forefront of my mind, and reading sleepyzoe's diary threw me deeper into contemplation of it, i suppose. of love, and how badly it hurts sometimes. how good it feels sometimes. and ultimately, how little control i seem to have over it. in some ways i envy people who don't wear their hearts on their sleeves, who aren't hopeless romantics, who don't ever feel how much it can hurt simply to love someone. i envy them, but i'd never want to be one.
and sometimes i want to try to find some words of comfort or support or encouragement for her (or for me) but there aren't any. not for her or me or anyone else who is strong enough (or stupid enough) to fall prey to love. for me, it's simply worth it, but i can't speak for anyone else.
i also don't know what jason might say to any of this, but... it's who i am. it doesn't in any way diminish what i feel for him, or compromise our relationship. (but honestly now. if i were alone and naked with my "crush", would we remain chaste? we did once... but i can't imagine it happening ever again) sometimes it's best to deal with temptation simply by never confronting it.
and as for temptation, well, there's temptation enough right now in my relationship with jason, and he's well aware of it. sometimes we take it out and play with it (metaphorically speaking, obviously. or maybe not) and sometimes we play with other ideas, themes and bodyparts. sometimes it's easier for me to let go knowing that we have a time limit, a set duration, an expiry date, even, so clear and so close, and sometimes i just forget it all. sometimes even i can't see where i'm going with this.
