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11:40 p.m. - 2003-10-20
on into the rain

this evening (this is going to sound overly domestic of me, but it's true) i spent a few quiet and productive hours working on my bro's quilt. last summer, as we meandered through eastern africa, he asked me to make him a quilt out of a random assortment of mind-bendingly bizarre wraps we found in the various markets and villages. being of an occasionally crafty and creative mind, i agreed, hoping to be left with enough scraps to also make one for myself. finally, a year later, i've dug out the scissors and chalk and sewing machine, and have been busily slicing and ironing and marvelling at the blindingly tacky assortment of colours and patterns before me.

sewing is soothing and therapeutic for me, most of the time (exceptions being 1> anything done under too much pressure, and 2> putting sleeves on things. they almost inevitably end up inside out on at least the first try, and occasionally the second and third as well). so yes, there i was, sewing, and listening to pink floyd, and thinking the sort of things one is liable to think at such times - the kind of things that seem powerfully deep and meaningful, but so blindingly obvious that they don't get written down, the reasoning being that it's unlikely that such a clear revelation could ever be forgotten. at the bottom of my second cup of tea, i remembered having had some sort of interesting thought, and decided that by replaying the album, i could trick my brain into replaying the mental meanderings and conversations as well. either it didn't work out nearly so well as i'd hoped, or else the thoughts that seemed so clever and insightful the first time through entirely fail to hold up under closer inspection.

i did retain one idea though, and it seems like a pretty important one. i've been thinking about Jason a lot - trying not to, because it's becoming increasingly clear that i care more about him than i thought i did, and that leaving in a couple of months will therefore be more painful than i thought, but thinking about him, and us, nonetheless. and i realized something that makes everything else so much easier to understand; Jason is not the type of personality that i'm used to dating or being in a relationship with, but the difference had eluded me until now - he wants me to be the best person i can be. he truly wishes for me to be happy, to do the things that i need to do to be satisfied with myself and my life, and to make the choices that are best for me. deep down, i still expect to be put down, to have my happiness take second place, and to be made to feel guilty for succeeding or pursuing dreams. it's a pattern i wish i had never learned, and i didn't realize how deeply it's still ingrained in my mind. i think it's coming out now because it simply doesn't fit with what's going on, and that's generating confusion. and recognizing the confusion, and the reasons behind it... is frustrating. i've been lucky enough to find someone supportive, fun, intelligent, talented, beautiful - someone who treats me as an equal, with respect and kindness, who neither puts me on a pedestal nor seeks to pull me down. i'm not saying he's perfect, but he is an exceptionally good friend and partner. so, having realized just how lucky i am right now, it's frustrating to know that it can't last as it is. in order to do the growing and learning that i need to do right now - to maintain my own peace and happiness - i need to leave.

this is where i get tired and lose the order of my thoughts, and all the little flashes and moments of clarity bleed into confusion. but this morning, when we were woken by the pain downstairs, he put his arm around me, and stroked my hair, and covered my ears, and held me closely. and, while it didn't fix anything, it helped me more than i have words for.

 

 

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