6:39 p.m. - 2003-10-27
opiumherald
the endless, restless, pointless, fearless, shameless monologue continues day and night. it intrudes on my dreams, distracts me from responsibilities and forces me to the edge countless times a day.
drifting.
hanging over this edge, i can see so many things below me, but i know there isn't anything there. nothing i can put a finger on, identify, own up to or choose to understand right now. i constantly seek my own self-destruction, and amaze myself with the new and terrible ways i find to implement what seems to be an irresistible desire. maybe it's contagious. (but are they infecting me or have i infected them?)
i wish i had someone to share it with, to talk about the things in my head, the hopes and dreams and questions that i have. to know how another person sees the world and to understand how it differs from my own. and to stop doubting the validity of my thoughts simply because i feel alone in thinking them.
i feel that jason would listen, i just don't believe that right now it can be understood. and i don't know to whether to feel relieved or defeated.
