Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

11:14 a.m. - 2003-11-20
silly buggers
gas prices

the powermongers are playing silly buggers with the gas prices again. wednesday wanted 63.9/litre, but thursday when i left for the okanagan it was back to 75.9... upon returning, via chilliwack, i filled up for 61.9, only to find things were hovering around 69.9 here all weekend. this morning half the stations in town want 63.9, with a few already jumped to 76.9 for the week. monkeys. i think i'll stay in my house and burn things this week - it's just easier than going out.

life is stranger than i could have wished, and i'm trying to juggle too many mental problems and not enough physical ones (though if i'd just buckle down and start packing the office, that would give me all the physical i could want. which is precisely why i'm avoiding it. come again?) and it's all going sideways. lateral. seriously lateral. hmmm. that just sounds weird.

i'm so frustrated with what's going on with jason right now, and i can't decide how to approach it. since i'm leaving in such a short time, it hardly seems worth trying to repair the damage, but if i ignore that one little detail - the "i'm leaving" detail - i can't understand why i wouldn't want to at least try. even though this just isn't something i see lasting, it's still a really nice relationship - or at least, it has been. and now it's just getting baffling. all of a sudden we're calling into question what we're doing, and how to define roles and responsibilities and what happens next. the cynical and cold answer is nothing. nothing happens next. i move, leave the city, and that's it. the way his responses vary, i'm never entirely sure if he has any real desire to remain friends afterwards, and that really hurts - partly that it feels like this just isn't important enough, this friendship, partly that i just feel like i've been misreading him for so long. it's as if, now that i'm leaving, he's suddenly feeling able to express how he "really" feels about me, but it's all so inconsistent with how he's been all summer that i never really come away feel anything other than confused. of course, i've been avoiding looking too closely at how i feel as well, so that doesn't help matters any.

and i'm still feeling pretty upset about how my birthday plans - or lack thereof - stirred things up between us, and are only halfway resolved, to my mind. more like dropped than resolved, but it isn't something i want to really get into either, so... i guess it will remain dropped.

and thursday my VRAM crashed, or some such crisis, and at more or less the same time i finally got pissed off at the complete lack of what passes for customer service or general civility from telus, and had my phone disconnected. which is good, because i'm moving soon anyway, and it's just one more pointless bill, but bad because, now that my computer is up again, i have to go to other people's houses to check mail. at least i have a powerbook, so taking my computer on fieldtrips is feasible, but it's still a pain in the ass. and hopefully explains the lack of posts recently, and the presumably continuous lack for the rest of the month... until i'm happily ensconced in mom's house, with mom's phone line. which i hope she hasn't disconnected, since she hasn't lived there in a year or more. and it could be that she'll be back by the end of the winter, and... i'm happy about that. my mom is one of three people in the world i can live with for more than a week without hating. in fact, i'm looking forward to it... but first i'm looking forward to being there alone with my little brain, to try to work out my world again.

 

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!