1:15 p.m. - 2004-01-19
fear
there's this strange thing happening in my head (i mean aside from the usual mess of thoughts and ideas and voices and wolves) the last few days. i feel as though i'm constantly underwater, and i really don't like it - every noise echoes and builds until i get dizzy just thinking about it. it isn't exactly debilitating on its own, but the effect of having a constant roaring in my ears is surprisingly exhausting, and does seem to make me physically (as well as mentally) dizzy a lot of the time.
maybe i just have a brain tumor. yeah, that's it. from using a cell phone for so many years. or a microwave. or a computer. or from drinking too much coffee. or eating lettuce. everything causes cancer and tumors these days, it seems, and i know too many people who seem to live in fear of living in case they should somehow come to harm. and, while i do see the wisdom in being a bit moderate or sensible in what i do with myself, i guess i've also come to terms with the idea of acceptable risk, and what risks i'm willing to entertain. the only place that really falls apart is in looking at huge new challenges - there are still things that i'm afraid to try in case i'm not a genius at them. isn't that stupid?
quick example; dad knows all i think i'll ever need to know about dismantling cars and bikes, about repairing carburetors and replacing cables and rebuilding motors - he doesn't know everything, but far more than i see myself needing to know. so do i ask him to teach me? of course not. what if i can't learn fast enough to please him? what if i have no aptitude for tools? anyone who knows me knows how stupid that last fear is, but it still keeps me from even starting...
or this; "i'm too old to learn something new." holy shit. how ridiculous is that? i learn new things all the time, but somehow if, broadly speaking, it's already within a skillset i possess, it isn't a big deal, it's just expanding my knowledge. so why won't i allow myself to go out and learn a whole new field?
anyway. that's the rant of the day. i haven't been writing much at all lately, in large part because i'm just sitting here, wandering through my mind, finding all sorts of reasons not to start something new, and i don't want to sit here listing all the reasons i expect i'm going to fail. what i want is to sit down and write (with great excitement and joy) about my newest passion or idea or direction, to clearly articulate what i want or where i think i'm going... and i haven't found it yet.
mom and i went snowboarding yesterday, for the first time this year. (i've been out, but she hadn't yet.) it was great. can't wait to go back.
