3:23 p.m. - 2004-02-24
ocean behavior
No matter how many dreams, how many restless nights spent memorizing the ceiling, how often reality bleeds into a sleepwalker's trance, there are still those few dreams that somehow snap me into waking, pull me sharply from whatever cobwebbed corner of my mind I was wandering through into sunlight and daytime and loss.
This year promises to be filled with challenges, and there are some I feel more ready to face than others. I'm finally coming around to feeling whole again, ready to start believing in myself again. I know I've felt that before, and keep proving myself wrong - there are still parts of me far more fragile than I'd like to admit, areas in which I simply don't trust myself after the way he cut me so far down. It's amazing how just a few years of rejection can undo a lifetime of confidence, but that's where I ended up - from being utterly confident and aware of my potential to believing that nothing I could chose would ever be right, would ever help, would ever matter. Every time I feel like I've passed another milestone, every choice I make that reaffirms my confidence in myself makes me more aware of how much I allowed him to take from me. What I really wish is that I could understand *why* I let him do that. Is it nothing more than the pattern I learned at home, the unquestionable authority of the father to make all decisions, choices and judgements, the responsibility of the mother to acquiesce, to abandon her own truths for his, no matter how much it pains her?
And is that why I'm so critical and yet so hesitant in my own relationships? Maybe all I'm looking for is someone whose dreams and judgements I want to support and uphold. As if I've already given in to the idea that my needs, dreams and life will never be as important as those of my partner. It would help explain why I try to force my own independence without actually engaging in conflict - although I think I believe in my own value, I still lack the confidence for direct confrontation. shit. I don't know.
I know that the more I look at this "crush" of mine, the more I see traits and behaviors very similar to my father, and I'm never quite sure how I feel about that. Some are things that bother me, but more are simply familiar - comforting, even. It confuses me, this constant secondary stimulus, this ongoing mental commentary on his behaviors and my reactions. And there is something in the way he holds me, without words or actions, that puts me softly into childhood again, the way a child should feel, which is entirely at odds with the way he generally makes me feel, if you know what I mean. It's a very good thing, to be so far away from him right now.
