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6:10 a.m. - 2004-03-15
new job

so there i go, disappearing again. this time with a sort of a reason.

a guy i've known for years called me up a couple of weeks ago and offered me a job back here in the city. it's not quite what i thought i was looking for, but i think it'll be good enough for a few months, until school starts. and my job description? i'm a sort of a... well, some days i... that is, when someone needs... er. i do stuff and things. with tools. to equipment i don't understand. last week (first week) i laid and connected high pressure/temperature water hoses. this week maybe i get trained to use the machines i was hooking up last week. by a crazy australian.

it's an odd environment, and i do have a few gripes, mostly with the "shop". and the entirely unpredictable way that the tools are "stored". and the vice in the corner that i've been using to separate pipes that are bonded together with rust and grime. yes, i have a 12" pipe wrench for the installation, and an 18" one for when i need some extra kick (and can fit it between pipes, hoses, nozzles and miscellaneous metal bits), but sometimes it's easier to use a vice. sometimes. although sometimes not, when the vice in question has been mounted on a rolling tool chest. i kid you not. who the FUCK puts a vise on a rolling cart?

anyway.

so far having a "real" job is working out ok, but i'm working too much and sleeping too little. as that evens out, hopefully i'll be updating more.

but you know what rocks about this? as long as i do my job, it doesn't seem to matter when i do it. and the facility itself runs 24/7. and you know what that means? it means that, should i choose to, i could even work euro hours. coolio.

entirely unrelated part II

now i'm hurt my fragile little mind right now it's tangled up and don't you know the pussycat in me is curling up right now but i'll bloom from the inside out.

why does this feel so bad? it hurts to drive away from his house, to pull myself out of his embrace, to imagine a world that doesn't involve his arms around me. i don't want to need or to even really to want anybody right now, and yet my mind keeps coming back to him, circling his image and my own insecurity day and night. maybe it's just a convenient distraction from the things that really matter, from worrying about money, tuition, rent, plans, future; life. if i can focus all my worries and doubts on his tousled hair and easy smile, the curve of his back as he leans over a carburetor, water running down his body in the shower, his amazement at simple things i can do in the kitchen and, conversely, his pleasure in showing me the intricate mysteries of an internal combustion engine - if i can use all of these little pieces of memory and desire to distract my mind from clawing at the walls i build within myself, can it really be so bad?

the truth is that i shouldn't need these tools at all, but i do. when things seem too big for me to grasp all at once, i tune out those that trouble me the most, and that which i can't actually do anything about (not always the same thing) and focus on small (but equally "unsolvable") problems. the other day i told him he was perfect, and he is; not in any sort of conventional way, and i could go on and on about the reasons that he isn't really perfect, but in terms of what i seem to be looking for right now, he fits the bill. he is utterly undemanding, and entirely accepting of my erratic and ridiculous habits, schedules and life. some nights we drink coffee and talk for hours, some we stay in and watch movies, or sit in the shower until the water runs cold, and it doesn't matter. i don't need to promise anything, or do anything, or be anything other than myself, and in return i don't ask him for anything. we come into each other's worlds without past, without future, without, almost, selves, and take small animals comforts in the safety of each other's bodies.

 

 

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