9:20 p.m. - 2004-05-14
quit
it comes in waves and washes memory and desire before it like dust, like promises and dreams and the smell the ocean.
quitting realjob� was probably the best choice i could have made in such an unhealthy environment. maybe i simply lack discipline, or patience, or self-hatred, but it simply wasn't an option for me anymore; i wasn't willing to put up with that level of sexual discrimination and constant harassment, even if i was ok, temporarily, with the safety hazards and lack of quality control. so. saturday afternoon i walked off the job, calling my boss on my way out to the car to tell what, and why, and who.
monday morning i started back into film. i feel like a hypocrite, coming back to this after being so certain i was finished with this world, but it did seem like the best choice. i keep telling myself it's simply the best way to raise tuition for fall, the easiest way to keep from going into debt while i'm studying, but it still feels like i'm betraying myself by re-entering such a corrupt and wasteful world.
the product of the moment is fisher price, and, as usual, it's a mix of halfway reasonable toys and some complete crap. our nightmares are little birdies that won't project and a dancing monkey. some days i just don't think i was cut out for real jobs.
and this guy. i still want... more, i suppose. i want him to care. to understand how utterly worthy and deserving of love i am, to see how lucky he is that i care for him, to explore the possibility that we could have more than this; maybe i even want him to love me. maybe not. maybe i just want something that i feel i can't have, and if i could, i'd lose interest. it wouldn't be the first time. after all, there are a lot of reasons that he simply isn't "right" for me... but there seem to be quite a lot of reasons that i still fall asleep thinking of his arms around me, missing his touch and the way he looks at me when we cuddle into bed at night sometimes. he goes to such lengths for me, does me so many little favours, but then turns away as if i mean nothing to him, and i don't know what to think.
i got home from work today and noisykitty immediately started telling me at the top of her little kitty lungs how terrible it was to be neglected all day, and how she almost starved to death or died of boredom, and how incredibly rough it is to be a little kitty. now she's curled at the foot of the bed with her back to me, so that she gets to have some company while still letting me know she's pissed at me. i think she's troubled by my indifference, but that's her problem, not mine. i'm a cat person, sure, but this is not my cat... she's cute, but she's no monkey.
