10:31 a.m. - 2004-07-03
inadequate
lying here in the dark, barest breeze stirring the curtains, imagining the old and welcoming streets of glasgow. again i'm voluntarily lost in winding dreams of stone and stained glass, the mark of long-dead builders clear on every surface. sometimes i wander the streets of vancouver, and our own clean and flawless surfaces also inspire dreams, but they are faceless, without identity or personality. there is no clear evidence that another soul had any involvement with these massive glass and steel beasts.
i digress.
i dream a lot right now - maybe too much. now that i'm suddenly not working again there seems to be too much free time, too many things to do but nothing that grabs me now. i've run all the errands i need to run, repaired the truck and cleaned it out, packed my few possessions, arranged to store much of that here at a friend's place, and spent enough time on the beach to have some clear tan lines... i'm house/cat-sitting right now just a few blocks from kits beach, and although i wouldn't want to live here, it's a wonderful place to spend a week... a vacation before i leave for... vacation.
sunday i'm headed to kelowna for a week or two, just kicking back with the folks, riding my bike and enjoying the okanagan and all that good stuff. and thinking. about what it is i think i'm doing, what i want and where i'm going and how i feel about the coming year. it's still a mixed fear/anticipation/excitement feeling that i have about school, and i still don't have a place to live for the fall... lots of things to think about, so mostly i'm thinking about boys to distract myself. *sigh*
i'm still missing my crush like mad, still wanting that which i can't have, and striving to fill that gap with hopelessly inadequate substitutes. it's depressing and pointless, yet i can't seem to stop myself. it isn't their faults - it's amazing that there could exist even one individual so smart, clever, talented, fun, attractive and enjoyable to me, and it's too much to ask to find yet another one in such a short time, but i seem to be fairly blindly optomistic on that count.
so that's where i am. pointless and depressing dates to distract me from the things i really ought to be thinking about. right.
