12:20 p.m. - 2004-08-06
Rus
things to think about.
if i want to have a bed (as opposed to a mattress on the floor), bookshelves, plantstands, or any other sort of semi labour-intensive thing in my house, i need to do it now, before school starts, because i'm not certain how much free time i'll have after. if i want to visit dad again (and i do) it needs to be soon - in the next two weeks. jaye's wedding is only three weeks away, and i still don't have a gift for them... nor do i know how to dance. the weather feels belligerent, but i think that's a side effect of the living situation.
if this woman doesn't move out by mid-month, i'm taking back my checks and moving myself. i moved in hoping to only have to sit through a week of this, not a month, and the abuse she puts those boys through is appalling. one day the eldest is going to hit back, and i pity them all on the day that happens. she's not very big, nor strong, and those boys must be well aware of the injustices involved. it's hard to imagine how they'll ever grow up to have healthy relationships of their own.
mom's still in ontario, helping dad's family deal with the aftermath of Rus' death and all that entails. there are so many complications, so much emotional struggle, so many things that just aren't her responsibility that she nonetheless feels compelled to offer her help with. i understand her motivations, i understand that need, but i know that i don't have her strength or self-sacrificing nature, and i worry about how much this costs her. not financially - how she uses her money is up to her - but physically and emotionally. she lets herself be drained so much by their pain, ingratitude and anger, she puts herself at physical risk and neglects her own health. so. i offer what support i can, and wish i could do more.
i worry about dad too - there were only the two of them, and i know Rus' death has shaken him a lot, though he isn't really talking about it. i'd like to just go and spend some time with him, even if we don't bring up the topic of his family at all. i think he just needs some company. the thing is, i know he doesn't want me to give up work, or school, or vague, nebulous "plans" to be with him, even if i want to. he's far more important than any of that. so. hopefully soon i can head up there, even if it's just for a couple of days, and see how he's doing. and stop worrying so much myself. parents are supposed to worry about their kids, not the other way around, i know.
