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6:48 p.m. - 2004-08-23 i just talked to dad. his mother died today. this afternoon. half an hour ago, maybe. and i can't stop the tears and i feel so helpless. there's just no way i'll make the funeral, and although missing rus' funeral didn't upset me so, the idea that i won't be able to say goodbye to such an amazing, wonderful, courageous and strong woman makes me feel worthless. dad says not to come - that baba would have insisted that school was the most important thing, and i know he's right. i can hear her, in english and ukranian, saying just that. and even if i could, there's so much i've promised and committed to with the wedding on saturday, so much that can't be delegated. i know it'll be ok. and i know she would tell me that. and i know that i can say goodbye from anywhere, at any time, and that's she's always just a thought and a heartbeat away, and that the strength and wonder of her will never die inside me. and i can't stop crying. i was named after her. not many people know that. i couldn't be more proud to carry her name. i have to go to ocean now - so much salt water must help with so many tears.
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