8:16 p.m. - 2004-08-31
where i've been
there's so much going on, in and outside of my head, but it's mostly wonderful. i'm thriving on being back in school again, and though part of me (cynically) expects that the novelty will wear off soon, it just feels so nice to have a routine again, to be learning again, to be actively moving towards something new, different, and seemingly better. classes are great, and though half our instructors are allophones (neither english nor french as a first language, for those of you not reared in eastern canada) it just means paying greater attention in class to make sure i'm fully understanding everything being presented. so far (though all of them are great) i have a decided preference for our physics prof, a female 1st class power engineer, canadian citizen, bosnian refugee, and fabulously entertaining educator. her lectures are filled with jokes, and she genuinely cares that we are all keeping up and understanding the material - she's also very enthusiastic about her class, and that enthusiasm seems to be contagious.
but you don't want to hear about my school, you want to hear me go on and on and on about C, and how wonderful he is, and how beautiful, and thoughtful, and good with babies, and kind to me, and gentle and rough at all the right times, and... right. you don't want to hear about that either, but i want to write about it.
this terrifies me, excites me, inspires me, makes every single other thing in my life better. not that i "need" that - my life is really pretty wonderful as it is. the last month has been emotionally draining, and physically exhausting, but my own life is wonderful. shit, i'm more-or-less white in north america, and even as a woman my life is pretty easy and decadent compared to most. add to that a wonderful family and network of friends, a rich and... educational life, an inspiring new direction/goal, and something approximating financial security (at least until the summer's savings run out...) and i'm already pretty damn happy.
and then he came along, and somehow it managed to get even better. i realize that in some ways i'm frighteningly fragile right now, considering how much i've already invested in him, in us, emotionally, but it's the right thing to do. when someone like this comes into your life, you don't hold back, you jump in, grab on, and never let go. maybe i'm too young, too naive, to optimistic, but this seems like a miracle, a wonder, an opportunity that neither one of us may find again, and we both seem to be embracing that wholeheartedly. caution will only hold us back.
most of me trusts that this is right. the rest of me is terrified... but still willing to take that risk.
