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3:34 p.m. - 2004-09-30
coyote

rode to school this morning (as usual. at this rate i shall quickly regain a most fabulous ass, as opposed to the merely acceptable one currently presiding over my legs.) halfway there, at the top of the little trail beside the stairs, was a coyote. he was just standing there, watching me barrel down the alley at top speed. i kept thinking he'd get out of the way, and i guess he kept thinking i'd stop, turn, or take some other kind of evasive action. i did slow down as i neared him, but i still got within 15' before he (and i swear, he did it resentfully. grudgingly. like a sulking teenager.) shifted a few feet to one side, clearing the top of the trail for me.
those little fuckers are getting bolder all the time out here. and while i sympathize - after all, they were here first - it still unnerves me sometimes, how very unafraid of people they can be.

C finally called. i'd been getting a bit (ok, a lot) paranoid, knowing he'd been back for a few days but not having heard from him. turns out i should have listened to my 'sensible' voice; he's just overstressed from "family time", and has spent a couple of days recovering. he warned me that would happen, but for some reason it didn't entirely register. we're going to do something (or possibly a very blissful nothing-at-all) tomorrow night, and i'm feeling much more at ease.

the other day, jason told me that i'm beautiful. i don't know how to respond. i just have such a hard time accepting or believing that, which i guess just goes back to all these stupid issues i'm still carrying from him. how many more years before i get past this damage, before i can really, entirely believe that someone whole and healthy could want me, find me beautiful, respect me, love me? (and why is it so easy to believe that someone depressive and unstable can love me? what the hell is up with that?)
i just don't entirely believe i'm worth loving. i believe i'm smart, sexy, and entirely fuckable, but that's no substitute for love. i *know* it's screwed up, but i seem unable to get beyond this. my self-esteem is a tangled place. thing. concept. something.

 

 

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