6:38 a.m. - 2004-10-07
failure
those dreams where you never know you're dreaming. things are so close to the way they should be (or to the way they should be in dreams - never quite the same thing for me) until it happens, until all that pain hits. in a lot of repects this was better than many of them are; despite it all, the attack, the damage, the confusion and hurt, underneath it all there was still the understanding that there were people there for me. friends, like Erica and Stan, and something more than friends, like Chris (and on an entirely unrelated note, i have no idea how to define that relationship. more than friends, vague though it is, may have to suffice.) were well within my awareness.
it was still awful - unexpected and inexplicable, the kind of thing that, waking or sleeping, you replay over and over, trying to make it come out differently this time around. even in dreams, it never does.
now i'm awake and feeling haunted.
