9:28 p.m. - 2004-10-17
tricky bastards and clarification
i go back, sometimes, to refresh myself on where i am and what i've said, how i've felt towards times, events and people... and sometimes i have no idea what i was talking about, or why i say the things i do.
(note to self; give more details) (ex; fuck you and your untouchable face)
this whole thing with C is... is... is a lot of things. it is, among other things, over. yes, we have a fabulous time together. yes, i think he's incredibly hot. and, yes, i'd like to try to make it work. he, on the other hand, has already decided for himself that it can't work. this doesn't rule out hanging out, it just rules out a "relationship". this hasn't been an easy thing for me to accept, though the sensible part of me sees what he sees and knows he's right. i hate that he's right, and that he's sensible, and that something that seemed so wonderful, so close, so very much what i've been searching for for so long isn't really there. and i know that if i didn't lay myself open so quickly and so entirely, i wouldn't be so hurt by this, but i also know that it's part of who i am; i throw myself headlong into things, and generally find that the gains outweigh the risks. i have given myself a lot of unnecessary pain, but i have also found a lot of unexpected joy.
i also know that if i hadn't tried, i never would have forgiven myself, and the nature of this relationship was such that it was immediate, intense, and overwhelming. in other cases going slowly (with or without the intensity) would have been the appropriate course, but here it wasn't.
do i regret it? no.
i'm sorry that it isn't what i want it to be... and selfish enough to wish it could have been... but, reluctantly, i'm also fully aware that this is how it is.
i've also been discussing this with a couple of friends, and my responses to their advice is part of what's been upsetting me so; Grimm and Greg have given me almost identical advice, and yet from Grimm it comes across as caring, thoughtful, and ultimately something i feel inclined to trust. from Greg it pisses me off to no end, and makes me want to do the exact opposite of whatever he says, simply because he seems so jealous, possessive, and full of shit. he sits on his high horse and offers the most ignorant and hypocritical advice from a place of stupidity and selfishness...
and yet in the end, the gist is basically the same as what Grimm is saying.
i recognize the obstinate bitch inside of me, and do my best to quell the responses that arise simply in retaliation to words i don't want to hear, but i also struggle with the behaviours that make me more willing to take the words of one friend over another. i think i just respect Grimm's intelligence and judgement more... that doesn't mean i always think he's right, but i do believe he wants the best for me (as opposed to wanting to drag me down to his level of unhappiness, as Greg sometimes seems to).
that's part of what made our relationship so wonderful; i felt as though i was with someone who admired, appreciated, and enjoyed me, but didn't seek to own, posses or control me. he wanted to see me happy, to see me striving towards whatever goals i set myself and succeeding in whatever was important to me. that kind of support is what i ought to expect, in friends and lovers alike, but it's been sadly lacking in my life in lovers/relationships. yeah, there were problems between us, but i can look at that relationship and feel that it was a healthy one. that's important. so... i still feel that he wants me to be happy, therefore i'm inclined to trust his advice - that doesn't necessarily mean i'll follow it, but it does mean it carries weight in my own thinking process, which is more than can be said for advice from Greg.
bitch, bitch, bitch.
and yes, partly i'm just extra stressy and tense because midterms start tomorrow. 10 midterms in 2 weeks... but at least it's only one per day. starting with mechanical physics. *sigh* it'll be tough, but it's one of the few that i'm entirely confident i'm ready for. (as opposed to psychrometric properties of air. fuck that shit.)
wish me luck.
