12:53 a.m. - 2004-11-14
Ryan
my brother just called me - from Israel - I miss him so much sometimes.
Or rather, I miss him pretty much all the time, but mostly I don't selfishly wish he were close by, and available for our crazy roadtrip adventures with no plan or reason or timeline that we make up and change from minute to minute. Mostly I'm glad he's out having adventures and doing cool things that make him happy and experiencing more in a month than many people will in a lifetime.
Just... sometimes I get jealous, and selfish, and wish I could join him. Or wish I'd make different choices, followed different paths, and listened to the artist and visionary in me instead. I've been given so many gifts, and I often regret being guided by reason rather than by love.
Then again, some of the choices I've made through emotion have been pretty poor as well, and then I wish that reason had a stronger voice. Damned if you do, damned if you don't?
I can't help getting lost in memories of last year, in work and play and love and lust and complete ignorance of where things were heading... I'm glad the future is such a mystery to me, but sometimes I wish I could be ignorant of the past as well. And sometimes I wish I could learn to be more honest with myself.
