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10:23 a.m. - 2004-12-05
If this is what it means to be grown up, I'm not sure I want to be here.

I used to see this guy; beautiful and smooth and cocky, perfect the way a template is perfect, but not the way a real person might be. I wanted him to care, and he wanted me to fuck. I think he enjoyed my adoration, the way I clung to the scraps he would throw me.
It's an indication of my own insecurity, of the way I chose to validate myself through the eyes of others instead of through my own sometimes. I looked up to him in many ways, and that gave him leverage that I'm uncertain he was aware of, though he did use it. He was accustomed to being adored, to being beautiful and to taking advantage of it, and I have become accustomed to being weak.
Ironic. In most ways I think I'm strong, but I think the strength comes largely from the fear of being weak - confidence out of the need to not be needy. I know my own abilities, but not my own worth.

Crios is a puzzle to me. He is beautiful, soft, gentle, unusual. I don't believe he is weak, or fragile, but I fear hurting him. I don't know what I want from him, or how far I'm prepared to take this. I want to be with someone who wants more from life than what he seems to want, and I fear falling into old patterns again, but I also fear that the kind of guy I dream of is out of my league - I reach too high, ask too much, and settle for too little.
I don't want to use him, but I think that I am. Then again, it could be mutual. I don't know what he wants either, and for some reason I'm avoiding asking him. I think it's because no matter what the answer is, I don't think I'm going to like it.

Chris dropped by the other night, just to say hi. It was surprising, and felt good. Part of me still entertains the idea that one day he might wake up to loving me, but there are too many things about him that I'm not willing to accept. We talked about life, and dating, and what we want, and what we're doing. I'm dating a lot right now - too much - and talking with him made me realize that. I'm not serious about any of them, and Crios is the only one I could imagine becoming serious about... maybe. With Chris it was immediate and certain and strong, and that's still what I'm seeking.
It hurts to not know what it is I want, to not understand what I'm searching for, and thus be unable to look for it.

 

 

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