4:22 p.m. - 2004-12-27
What it is...
What to say, what to do... I've gotten myself into another tricky situation involving men (or boys?) and emotions and awkward situations, quite possibly because I just don't like to be bored. I'm aware that's hardly a valid explanation or excuse, but it's a starting point, at least.
Part of my reluctance in updating recently is because I think there's someone reading this who really shouldn't be... or at least there's a reasonable chance that he's stumbled onto this site, and I'm hesitant to talk about the last few weeks the way I want to because it's easy to take the words I throw down here and misinterpret them as... truth.
Not that I'm lying in here, but I am tossing out emotions as I feel them in an immediate way, without censoring for appropriateness or reality; I avoid writing about Chris immediately after seeing him, because there are things about him that threaten to break my heart, emotions that I feel strongly immediately after being in his arms that fade quickly in the light of day. So although it's perfectly true to say that I love him, and even that he makes my head spin, I don't build fantasies about him, imagine futures together or create impossible scenarios. I'm staying at his place right now, cat-sitting while he's home for the holidays, and it's undeniably pleasant to wake up in his bed... for that matter, it's very, very pleasant to fall asleep in his bed, recalling how incredible sex with him was; I wouldn't say I've ever had "bad" sex, but what went on between Chris and I was on an entirely different level than anything else I've ever experienced, we fit each other that well.
So here begins the problem; if I write about how great our sex-life was, does that mean that I haven't really enjoyed sex with other partners over the years? Of course not. Still, I avoid the topic, and then end up censoring myself on other issues as well, and it's all snowballed into a weird situation where I'm avoiding it all... and then there's the emotional side...
Things are going well with Crios, and I think he's lovely, but I don't know how far I'm prepared to take this, and whether I'm setting him up to be hurt by my own indecision. I know that he really likes me, and I know that I like him... I can see potential for so many things behind his eyes, but he's in a place right now where I think he's newly enjoying a stability that for someone like me is stifling. He's happy where he is, or at least content, and it's not enough for me, but it isn't right for me to want to change anything about who or where he is either. I know he's got goals and plans to change, but I've been down that route before with him and know better than to believe someone's plans just because they vocalize them. At the same time, it hardly seems right to doubt him just because someone else screwed me over so many times. So where does that leave me?
He says he's planning to quit smoking in January. I'd really like to see that happen, not because it bothers me (it really should, but rarely does.) but because he says he wants to, and I choose to believe that. It will also be a gauge for me, I think, of his willpower, of the difference between what he says and what he does, of how much I can trust him. He's never given me any reason to doubt him, but there are things about his past that make me very wary, and it's hard for me to find a balance between being supportive of him and harmful to myself - or at least, that's how it feels. I want to trust him, but so much of my emotional damage is linked to trusting people who used that trust to hurt me, and it's hard to know when holding myself back is the right thing to do.
