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9:59 a.m. - 2005-01-01
unresolved

Rationally, it's far too early to be up on a saturday, never mind on New Year's day. Just wanted to get that out in the open.
Driving home this morning, in the snow, it occurred to me yet again how lovely Vancouver would be, if so many of the people who live here weren't idiots. (Actually, I'm sure that's true for most places in the world...) I try to make allowances for drivers in the downtown core, especially on weekends and evenings, as most of them probably don't actually live in the west end, but at the same time, I find as a driver that all of the one-way streets are clearly marked and easy to identify, and I really resent pulling up to a red light only to be facing headlights across the intersection. Worse, I hate watching from a block back as some idiot turns into oncoming traffic, braking and weaving in a baffled way before swerving across 2 lanes into a dead-end alley. And that was just thursday night.
Despite some lovely offers to watch people get drunk in Surrey, or to get naked in a hot tub in Whistler, or to play board games and watch people drink martinis in the west end, I decided to spend last night with Crios, eating tasty, tasty curry and watching movies, and making out at midnight. It was nice, and quiet, and cozy. We didn't do anything more than make out and fall asleep together, but that was enough, and while I was still chasing dreams out of my head, he was grinding the coffee and laughing at the way Nero jumps and ducks and dances around in response to the noise. He gave me the first cup (*once* he asked me how I take my coffee, and now he just remembers, and makes it for me, and it's always right.) and kisses on my forehead and somehow thinks I'm cute in the morning, and I can't complain. I drove him to work, then went to Chris' to check up on things, and feed Mimi, and generally make sure all was well. Part of me wanted to crawl back into his bed, and back in time, and have everything be as blindingly clear as it was this summer... part of me wanted to make more coffee and fire up the PS2, and avoid the nasty truth of final exams in just 3 days... but instead I sorted out some of the stuff I've accumulated there, and came back here, home, to check emails and hopefully study and maybe nap before this afternoon, when parking will once again become possible in the parking hell that is the west end.
Crios. Chris.
Talked to Chris yesterday, missed him, didn't know what to think. Wish someone like that could feel passionately and intensely and romantically about me. Wish I could actually love someone like that. Wish my heart and head and emotions and instincts could all agree. He still does things to me, my heart or head or something, but it's so very abstract, conjectural, fantastical. What I dream about and what I really want aren't the same, though occasionally they're closer than I think they are.
Crios doesn't inspire me that way, he doesn't have a constant hold on my mind, he isn't always on the tip of my tongue, but he has a constancy and presence that feel good whether I'm with him or not. I seem to think that all I ever want is passion and excitement and drama, but maybe it's time to move beyond that.
And maybe not. Maybe settling for comfort when what I crave is passion means letting myself down, lowering my expectations and standards to what I can have instead of what I really want. I've done a lot of that in recent years.
I don't know.

 

 

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