4:00 p.m. - 2005-02-26
montenay
dammit.
I don't want to fall for Crios. I don't want to be in love with him, someone who didn't even finish high school, who believes in nothing and no one, who professes to perceive the world as an inherently negative and depressing place (though his actions contradict his words).
I don't know that love is what I feel, but I do feel strongly. I crave his presence, his smile, the sound of his voice and the touch of his hand. I imagine him as a husband and father, and it makes me smile, though that's not at all what I'm ready for right now.
And anyway, don't I seem to fall regularly for inappropriate men? Those who are irresponsible, or untrustworthy, or simply not compatible with my own idiosyncrasies? Is this just wishful thinking and pursuit of the dream of love without the reality to back it up?
I know in some ways I'm still hung up on Chris, on the ways he was overwhelming, even as I catalog the ways that it would never work. I don't want him, I just want someone like him, and Crios doesn't fit a number of those hopes or expectations.
Do I sell myself short by settling for some that I perceive as being less than I thought I wanted, or am I underestimating him?
It isn't as though there's any pressing need to make decisions yet, it's just something that I've been thinking about a lot recently.
I spoke with Jaye yesterday. She and James are still looking for a new place to live, and the place I'm in fits all their requirements. They aren't in a huge rush to move, and my expected moving date of early May is perfectly acceptable to them right now. I still don't know where I'll be placed this summer, though I know where I'd like to be - Montenay. Despite plans to flee Vancouver like a rat from a sinking ship as soon as I'm through school, this seems like an ideal placement, with the potential to move quickly through the ranks until I get my first class certification - and with it the opportunity to go anywhere. Anywhere. Europe. The middle east. Germany. Scotland. Dubai. Endless. That's a long way away, but dreams don't have to be solid to have appeal.
Point is, I'll be moving in a few months, whether it's out of town or just closer to the plant. It's stupid to maintain this much space for just myself, especially when I spend more time at his place right now than at my own. Even if it doesn't work out, this still isn't the right place for me, but it might be for them. So. She's going to talk with James about it, and they'll come by and snoop around sometime soon, see if it all looks good.
And me? I have no idea, but that's hardly news.
