5:57 p.m. - 2005-03-27
island
Last week - spring break - Crios and I went to the island together. Like a vacation. And did I mention together? Hard to believe the way things are going with us, hard to imagine how it got this far, or where it might lead, harder still to understand how easily, simply, perfectly happy I can be, folded into his arms.
I kept trying to write about the trip, and every time I ended up instead talking about him and past history, getting upset, deleting it all, walking away from the computer. Walking away from the past.
(yes, there's a connection. we went to the island. he lives on the island. it's a very small city.)
I keep wanting to believe I'm past it - that the damage is healing, that I *am* recovering, and that one day I'll be able to have a normal, healthy relationship again. No one really knows the extent of it, the depth, and how far I still have to go.
As bad as I am, I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem.
Thank you, Ani.
Crios knows enough to know there's plenty he doesn't know yet, and as we slowly reveal our pasts to each other we grow closer and closer. I've done some shitty things, and no matter how I try to justify them, they're still things I'm not proud of. He's done some really stupid things, self-destructive things, irresponsible things. Worse than my "things"? I don't think we're measuring on comparable scales - apples and oranges - no, apples and fieldmice - but I also don't care to try. We aren't who we used to be, but that's true of anyone. I want to know who he is now more than who he was then, but with each piece of history he becomes more real to me. More human. More like me.
Is that a good thing?
Sometimes the things I think and feel and do scare me, and I don't want to be me anymore. I want to throw it all away and start again, convinced I could do a better job next time. Convinced that somehow, some way, I wouldn't make the same stupid mistakes, the same selfish choices. Sure, maybe I wouldn't - I'd make new mistakes. Different ones. I wouldn't be who I am, but it's hard to say I'd be any better, any smarter, any happier.
And really, for all my regrets, disappointments, hurts and fears, I still love this - this is who and what I am, and it's been a lot of fun. If I can go on genetics, I'm barely a third of my way through, and still have plenty more mistakes to make, and more fun to have.
I may hate some of my choices, but I can't hate who I've become as a result of them, nor can I really regret most of things I've done... sure, I might do them differently a second time around... but then again, maybe I wouldn't.
Deggy was going to let me use his great big tub this weekend to take some naughty photos, but we couldn't quite coordinate our schedules. So. Instead I'll bring my camera tonight, and see what Crios and I can come up with, and I'll surprise him another time with bubble bath and rubber ducky pics. Because really, who wouldn't want to be surprised with a slightly naughty image of your sweetie in the tub? Exactly.
