10:57 a.m. - 2005-05-08
honesty
I like being alone. I need my space, my dreams and quiet and noise and movement and privacy. Crios is lovely, but I need time away from him - far more time than I'm getting.
Last night, as I was explaining my desire to be in my own bed, I offered him 2 choices - he could come here, which would allow me a bit more time while he travelled, and all of today, since he'd be leaving early for work, or he could spend a night alone. He whined! Sulked, almost. I felt like he was trying to guilt me into going over there, which of course made me far less open to suggestions or compromise.
I slept here, and I slept well, and woke early, well rested and calm. My muscles ache a bit, from working in Surrey yesterday with Martin, but otherwise I feel good, but pensive.
(Yesterday - Martin works on carnival rides, and he threw me few bucks yesterday to go out and work for him. When I got there he gave me a big box of nuts and a sharp tool bit, and set me to work on the lathe. Seems a bit odd to me that no one else there is competent on the lathe... or at least, it did until I watched some of them work a bit. I'm a little better than Martin, but the real reason he wasn't doing it was because he's the only one competent to supervise the whole mess and keep everybody else on track, or to deal with the pneumatics and wiring. Well... I'm pretty good with pneumatics too, but not 3-phase wiring.
Ohh! I learned to start and stop a big diesel generator, very exciting. And noisy. But mostly exciting.)
Anyway. Today I'm sore, alone, and pleased to be alone.
And I want to know if he - Crios - was *trying* to guilt me into going over there last night, or if he was just lonely and needy. Could go either way, really. I instigated a talk the other day that he didn't like much, about what I'm getting out of this relationship, and what he's getting, and where it might be going. I talked about what I want out of my life, and what I seek in a partner, and what frustrates me about us, and asked him a lot of questions that he wasn't ready to answer. Now he's feeling all insecure, and I don't know what I feel.
I think part of the problem is the power dynamic between us, and the way it's shifting. This is a problem I've had a number of times, and hate, but I don't know what to do about it. It's not that the men I date can't keep up, or aren't "enough", but that they seem to think it. I've been told I've very intimidating, because I'm too confident, too competent, too smart, and that seems to make people insecure. It's exacerbated by my response to fear, insecurity and incompetence too; if someone I'm with is confident, secure and happy, even if he does dumb shit or makes stupid mistakes (which I do all the time!) then I'm happy to be with him, but as soon as he starts worrying and seeking reassurance, as soon as he starts acting as though he's not good enough... well, it becomes self-fulfilling. If he doesn't think he's good enough for me, it comes through in his actions and responses, and it makes me uncomfortable - I'm not a princess, I'm far from perfect, I don't want to be put up on a pedestal. I want someone to call me on my bullshit, to tell me when I'm being an idiot or making bad choices or simply pissing him off. Currently I think he's afraid to do all that - afraid that in be honest, he might lose me.
There. That's it. I'm unhappy when someone lies to me in order to (try to) keep my love. Even if it's passive lies, just a case of him not telling me how he feels, or hiding his insecurities, it still shows, and that hurts. Crios isn't being honest with me right now. Maybe he wants to, maybe he's trying the find the words or the right time to tell me how he feels, about his life, job, family, feelings, about us, about the future - I don't know. All I know is that there are things he's not talking about that are affecting our dynamic.
