2:23 p.m. - 2005-07-17
more
the thing is...
is...
dammit, i want to justify my little lies, the small deceptions... and really, no betrayal of trust is small or justifiable.
there are gentle diversions, like making vague, noncommittal statements about a friend's new clothes or hairstyle when she clearly loves the new things in question but i don't, and those aren't things i think of as lies. they don't reveal my true opinions, but... well, they aren't dishonest either. they're meaningless statements, and my opinions are neither right nor wrong, true nor untrue.
this is different.
the betrayals come when i refrain from offering information that i know is relevant and important, whether i'm specifically asked for it or not.
i was hurt, he was thoughtless. i felt betrayed and lonely, and the redneck appeared in my life. coarse, sexy, intelligent, clever. a breath of fresh air. with the redneck, i was painfully honest, told him all about the pirate, about his ways and habits, our fights and our reconciliation. about what i wanted, what i wasn't getting, where things went wrong. he listened, he offered insights, he comforted me, seduced me, and i wanted it all.
i didn't want the redneck himself, just all the things he offered, and we carried on that way for a while. he was happy with things as they stood, and wanted no more from me than i offered, but i wasn't facing the rest of my life. i was gleefully fucking someone behind the pirate's back, even if the pirate and i had no formal claims on each other.
when i started dating crios, i told him about it; about cheating on the pirate, though our relationship was so ill-defined i didn't want to think it could be considered cheating. maybe he would have thought so, maybe not, but the point is that i never gave him the chance to tell me. well... that's one of the points, anyway.
crios knows that i have doubts about my own... fidelity. that i'm tempted by grimm, that i still occasionally lust over C, that i had that strange fling with the redneck. he knows that i have a friend across the country that i exchange naughty pictures with, and he even helps me take those pictures.
i wish i knew why he was so unpossessive in some ways, when in others he so clearly wants all of my heart. i have no doubts about his own devotion, about the way he really feels about me or whether i can trust him - i trust him in all things. i want him to know how i really feel - the things i worry about, the temptations i have, the actions i'm afraid of repeating. i want him to know how much i care, but how i still have doubts, how i don't feel as certain as he does... but i've said those things before. he knows.
i think about the pirate, about how it would be to go to him, to tell him all about what happened. whether he would listen, whether he would care.
i think about grimm too, and about the little things i didn't tell him. when grimm and i parted ways, we parted as friends, and still are, but our relationship is still so undefined. i tend to be reticent in telling him about my other relationships, about how serious they may have become, because part of me still wants to be free to be with him. then i think about whether i really want to be with him at all, and all i really want is to be free. sometimes all i want is to see how much i can get away with.
there's no justifying any of it, and i need to really come to terms with that so i can get past it. that's a small part of what's going to let me be happy with myself, but a vital one. *sigh*
that's enough rambling for the day.
thank you (and you know who you are) who read through this and offer your thoughts, insights and opinions. it seems so strange to receive advice and encouragement from people i've never met, but your input is valuable to me, and helps me think a little more objectively about the things on my mind.
