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7:41 p.m. - 2005-10-16
(dis)ease

this unease seems to be rooted simply in dissatisfaction.
i'm no longer happy with where i am, or what i'm doing, but i don't know what to do about it. it could be just another phase, but i'm so very unmotivated just now. maybe engineering is just a waste of my time. maybe i'm (yet again) failing to live up to my full potential. certainly i'm not being challenged by it anymore... ha. anymore. this hasn't yet been challenging. stressful, yes, as i can rarely be bothered to study, but when lack of studying translates into the difference between being head of the class and scoring somewhere above average, it's hard to care.
i have trouble understanding why everybody else has trouble with this.
i wonder if i should have gone directly into "real" engineering, even though i know working at a desk all the time would kill me as surely as anything would.
i wonder how selfish it is to still want a job i enjoy.

i've reached an odd (yet strangely comfortable) place with Crios these days. i'm not precisely happy with him, but i'm more than content. i miss the passion i had for Deggy... in fact, i still fantasize about that passion, without actually fantasizing about being with him, which is a weird thing to do, even for me. i want to feel about Crios the way i felt about Deggy, but... i think the thing that holds me back is that my passion for people is dependant upon their own passions, and his are so well hidden. it's like i seek to feed off of his passions to enhance my own, but i can't find them. i know they're there, i recognize them in his eyes, but he doesn't give in to strong emotion the way i do.
he doesn't seem to crave intensity, possibly because he's had so much of it already in his life.

i'm happiest when things are falling apart around me... or at least, almost falling apart. when i have too much to think about, too many things to do, too many emotions to embrace. without stimulation, i'm offensively apathetic.

next week Deggy and i are going out to a show, and i'm resolutely failing to acknowledge the midterm i have the next morning. i look forward to swaggering in still wet with sweat and well-bruised from "dancing" to sit my fluids exam.

all i want is to feel.

 

 

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