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7:41 p.m. - 2005-10-16 i've reached an odd (yet strangely comfortable) place with Crios these days. i'm not precisely happy with him, but i'm more than content. i miss the passion i had for Deggy... in fact, i still fantasize about that passion, without actually fantasizing about being with him, which is a weird thing to do, even for me. i want to feel about Crios the way i felt about Deggy, but... i think the thing that holds me back is that my passion for people is dependant upon their own passions, and his are so well hidden. it's like i seek to feed off of his passions to enhance my own, but i can't find them. i know they're there, i recognize them in his eyes, but he doesn't give in to strong emotion the way i do. i'm happiest when things are falling apart around me... or at least, almost falling apart. when i have too much to think about, too many things to do, too many emotions to embrace. without stimulation, i'm offensively apathetic. next week Deggy and i are going out to a show, and i'm resolutely failing to acknowledge the midterm i have the next morning. i look forward to swaggering in still wet with sweat and well-bruised from "dancing" to sit my fluids exam. all i want is to feel.
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