8:06 p.m. - 2005-12-12
exams (again)
it's final exam time again, so i'm busily finding all sorts of things that must be done *right now*, and can't possibly wait until after exams.
and sometimes it's even true...
there are the seemingly ever-present tensions between Crios and i, and it's still unclear to me whether this is what i want, or what will be good, or if there's really any way it could possibly work out for us, or if i'm worrying about it far too much.
it's true that he's very, very good to me, and very patient, and thoughtful, and sweet, and if we fail to communicate, that's at least as much my fault. it's just that he doesn't inspire me, or fill me with any potent emotion, and i feel lost without that strong emotional response that's always been a part of previous relationships for me.
so yes, instead of studying for final exams, i sit and think about this.
i talked to a friend today who's been going a bit crazy from stress and tension. her doctor was ready to put her on anti-depressants, immediately and permanently, instead of looking at... oh, i don't know. addressing the source of tension? seeing if there were external causes that could be avoided? suggesting counselling? there *are* sometimes other options. and yes, in some cases anti-depressants are a reasonable solution, for some people (though i'm really pretty wary - i've seen a lot of friends really fucked up by them - but a few friends really helped out. so yes, wary, but potentially willing to consider.) Anyways.
it isn't my body or my life, but i'm still glad she refused, and went home and did a bunch of research on the drug, the side-effects, and her other options. and she called me, and i feel like an entirely inadequate counsellor, but i can at least listen. am i doing the right thing by encouraging her not to take drugs? i don't know. i've known her for almost 9 years, and she's always been a clear-thinking, intelligent woman who thinks things through fully, and seeks outside opinions on things she has doubts about. she makes her own decisions, and i think she makes good ones. she isn't all that self-confident in some areas though, and i think it's job-related criticism on top of job-related stress that's brought this on.
(she, like me, works in film, and no one who hasn't done it can appreciate how stressful it really is. unlike other jobs i've had, you have to be *on* ALL THE TIME, and there's almost always someone waiting for you. with a good crew, that's ok. you feel like you want to get things done well and quickly because that makes it better for everyone... but with the wrong people, it's like being criticized all day, every day, for ... well, everything. it snowballs. and yes, that's true for any job - with the wrong co-workers, it sucks. but i've found that, outside of film, working with people i can't stand is bearable if i can walk away from them for a bit, and limit my interactions to necessary ones, but in film it just isn't possible. and these days, she's working with non-supportive co-workers.)
so i'm not precisely worried about her, because i know she'll make the right choices here, and take proper care of herself, but she's still on my mind.
and mom got on a plane today to go to ontario to see her mom, and then she's going here , and then she's going here and then she's coming back. and i can't go with her this time, and i'll be all jealous that she gets to hang out with my bro for a month... but that's how it goes. maybe i'll be free to go next time.
but now i'm going to study. studiously. because i'm all studious-like.
and if you'd all think good thoughts for Crios, he recently submitted an application to BCIT, where i study, and he's really hoping to be accepted. so... fingers crossed and all that. thanks.
