11:03 a.m. - 2011-02-24
ashes, ashes, we all fall down
I'm really letting myself crush pretty hard on this guy.
It isn't even his looks (although those eyes? Oh, those eyes could compel me to break a lot rules), it's his attitude. It's a fascinating combination of diffidence, confidence, command, respect, concern and humour.
He jokes, he plays, he's having fun. He isn't overtly sexual, and he doesn't exhibit any interest in anything beyond rope play and friendship, but he lets drop these simple comments that make my thoughts race, and he touches me in casual ways that make my head spin.
He's tactile and mostly gentle when applying rope, and apologizes any time he feels he *may* have caused me pain or touched me inappropriately, but he doesn't shy away from tightening things deliberately to a point of near discomfort.
After one of the ties last night, I kneeled on the floor and stretched my back out, but this brought my head in line with his feet. Someone said "good girl", but I'm not sure who. I know that he put his foot up on my back, and I wanted it to be more than just a joking gesture. I wanted it to be about control and ownership, in a transient way.
At the end of the night, I sat at his feet and he rubbed my neck and shoulders, stroked my hair, and generally petted me, and I melted. I rubbed his feet and calves, because I could reach them, and tried not to rub too far up his thighs, nor to gasp or be too obtrusive about how very overwhelmed I was when he touched my throat. Because that? That just goes straight into my limbic brain, and shuts down everything else. Hands lightly stroking my neck are extremely enjoyable, but once those fingers reach around the front, not matter how light the touch, I just want to surrender.
I want him to want me. I want him to want to control me, tease me, punish me, hurt me, use me, and own me. I want to touch him, amuse him, and please him.
I know I need to avoid him. To only see him when there are others present, or in daylight hours, outdoors. To not allow any opportunities to pursue this fascination with this lovely, kind, switchy, dominant man. I want it to pass, but I desperately don't, I'm adoring this fascination, this anticipation, this desire.
