10:35 a.m. - 2013-04-12
state of the (un)union
Current, previous, old, new...
I think I can identify both men in my last post, and it worries me that I didn't give myself better cues and clues.
But if I recall correctly, one has faded, through moving to another city to be with a woman he loves, and we enjoyed our brief flirtation, and it was exactly right.
The other is still here, and one of his loves - his primary - has moved in with him, which changes our dynamic, but not in a bad way.
I am still welcome there, not as an interloper, but not as a partner either. As a touchable other, I suppose, and this suits me. What he has to offer is fun, and satisfies some of my needs, including the need to be held, touched, heard and loved, but doesn't touch the stuff I really, really crave.
I had a strong, overwhelming, head-spinning something with my very first love, I still don't know what to think.
I did not conduct myself well, but I learned a lot about love and loss and respect.
I can't stop loving him, but I believe I have stopped wanting him. The man I remembered is not the man who is, and the choice I made was very probably the right one, though I will also probably always wonder, always regret, just a little bit, choosing to end it even when it was so clear that I should.
Joe Steel still writes to me, we still talk about sex, jobs, music, dreams, people, travel and isolation, but now we also talk about love, spirit, soul and meaning.
I could describe what I feel for him as love, and also as lust, but not as want... he and I would not, I think, make a good couple, but we make a great team, and probably also exhaustingly violent lovers, though we will probably never find out.
Sometimes wanting is better than having.
That's very, very, very true a lot closer to home. Sir is many good things to me, and inspires me in very clean and appropriate ways, but also in extremely inappropriate ways.
I don't even think I want sex there, but my head spins when I think about him owning me.
That's a very strange thing for me. I've always loved the power dynamic, the interchange, but I don't recall ever wanting just the ownership, the absolute surrender. I don't recall not also fantasizing about the sex.
So it's weird.
And awkward, when we are busy, in public, and he says or does something that sideswipes my brain.
I can never quite figure out if he knows what he's doing to me, if he does it on purpose.
He's very intelligent, and very perceptive. It wouldn't surprise me to think that he knows, but it also wouldn't surprise me to learn that he's totally oblivious to anything beyond very occasional and very gentle flirting.
I have no idea what to think about him, I'm just trying my best to enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts, and to give as well as receive. I want to think that when it ends, he will be glad to have known me.
