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10:14 a.m. - 2013-10-03
yogi
And then�

The yogi? The freak? The one with the chickens and axes and bikes and buses. The children and grandchildren and quiet smile.

Last night, he let me see the wicked grin.

It was only sushi, but we went from evening yoga to eat, and shut down the restaurant.
Today, I'll go out there. He's offered to make me dinner.
He's a chef.

I'm troubled. Attracted. Wary. Uncertain.

Happy.

�..

We have been trying (*we* us *together*) (in theory) to get pregnant for nearly two years now.
It isn't working. I don't know if it's me or him - in theory, according to tests, it's neither, so it's hard to know what to think.

He has taken a lover, of sorts.
It seems to make him happy, and yet he doesn't appear to dwell on it and gain pleasure from the idea, the way I would.
He sees her, they fuck, it makes him giddy, and then he doesn't seem to think about it more.
Honestly, this baffles me.

He cannot determine if he is done with *us* or not.
He will not commit to loving me, or wanting me, or wanting out.

I don't know if he doesn't understand, or simply doesn't care how this undoes me.

 

 

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