3:01 a.m. - 2003-07-07
sex and $$
pacing.
even in my dreams i'm pacing.
dark and uncertain and the world is full of strangers. i hear noises, investigate, try to understand who, and what, and why, but always wish i hadn't.
in your dreams your grandparents live forever.
the only thing i want these days is whatever i can't have, and in the meantime i'm surrounded by far more than i want. i find myself trying to explain (or even understand for myself) both why i'm here in vancouver right now, and why i don't want to be here at all.
i'm also realizing just how uncomfortable i can be with having a man pay for everything for me. i know plenty of women who would tell me i was being a fool, and should just step down and let everything be taken care of for me... at least once in a while.
but i've had that already.
i had that at home too, and i still get it at home, and maybe that's all it takes for me to want things to be closer to equal in the rest of my life. you gave me too strong a set of values, and too much independance, dad, and i love you all the more for it.
maybe it's just a knee-jerk reaction. i had an ex who expected that i wouuld provide for all his needs, wants, and whims, and looking back i can't begin to understand how i accepted it all at the time. i also can't conceive of putting another person in that place. and while i understand intellectually the difference between being a full-on dependant and just letting a guy pick up the tab once in a while, i'm still not comfortable with it.
maybe i'm just reeling from the two sleazy propositions i've recently received - both were essentially offering money for sex, and both seemed to think that because they offered the money as goods and gifts rather than hard currency, that it somehow becomes romantic effort rather than a sad attempt to buy love.
if i want a sugar daddy i'll hop on a plane to LA and visit Gordon. He's classy, intelligent, respectful, talented, and fun, and he takes great photographs. the point, however, is that i don't.
the same friend who was recently telling me that i set my standards too high when it comes to men (or maybe that i have unrealistic expectations. because i want someone who won't lie to me) also told me that i consciously dress myself down and downplay my femininity.
damn right i do. if the last week is any indication it's a good decision too. even my neighbour noticed my general cynicism and disillusionment, and he's only known me a few months. maybe it's time to get away again.
i'm thinking... maybe tuesday. not for too long, because i think i work on sunday, but for a few days, at least. just enough to wash the taste of sleazy men out of my mouth.
you know, maybe greg's right. maybe i do set my standards too high. i want a man who has the intelligence, integrity, and skills of my father, but also a man that shares my moral values and my wanderlust.
