2:23 p.m. - 2003-08-26
lotusland
is there something wrong with me?
i look down my body at these bruises, and i smile. i think about the way he makes me feel, the way he touches me, holds me, kisses me, uses me, and then lies beside me afterwards, smiling.
this isn't love (yet?) but this isn't just friendship either. it's hard to evaluate this sort of thing, to try to understand what i'm feeling, or how strong those feelings are, but i'm not as troubled by that as i have been in the past. part of me would like to know where this might lead, but most of me is just happy to be here, now, with someone like Jason.
dad drove down today from k-town, we went out kicking tires and checking odometers, had lunch, and he just left again. 7 hours driving for 2 or 3 hours spent in lotusland? he's done stranger things though, and i'm always happy to spend time with him. i'm also very glad that he's willing to go car shopping with me - not just willing, but enjoys it. after all, he gets to help look out for his baby girl this way, and i get the advantage of his years and wisdom and cynicism (as if i need any more cynicism in my life) on the car lots. we didn't find anything today, but it was fun.
well. ok. there was that sweet little 944, but it had far more damage than it was showing, and it was showing a lot under all that touchup paint. same for the lexus... i'm sure it was a nice car, once... i'm surprised they didn't try to cover more of the damage...
but i have the nissan for another month, so i'm not worried yet.
no real progress on the job quest though. there are so many options out there, and none of them appeal. i have the occasional moment where i feel like an idiot for holding out so long, looking for some hypothetical job i can love, but overall i know i'm not going to be happy in my life if i hate my job. it's worth it to wait a few more months, look a little further, and dig for the thing that will make me feel satisfied.
i just wish i knew what that might be.
