10:14 p.m. - 2003-12-09
really smile
this.isn't.what.i.wanted.
it never is, and i need to stop expecting it to be fair. or right. or easy.
but i lie awake and think about his arms (around me), and way he smells, and that special smile that makes me feel like the only person in the world who, right that very moment, matters. and i don't know why i'm here, and doing this (nothing) instead of there right now. i know that wouldn't solve anything, but i wouldn't lie here awake and missing him either.
i went out again tonight, against my better judgement. dinner was fine - loved the movies (Spirited Away and The Cooler) - but it just wasn't where i wanted to be, and that's not fair to anyone involved. i've thought about pulling my profile, and honestly, there's two things that stop me; 1> i'm so insecure right now that the little ego rush i get most days logging in and finding responses is actually something i look forward to. and 2> i'm just so damned curious about this ex-convict-looking good ol' boy from northern Virginia or wherever it is. i kid you not. here i am, way out in BC, Canada (in the top-ish left corner of the map, just under that place with the diamonds and oil, but above the place with Pearl Jam and Nirvana) and some guy (who really does look like he's posting a mug shot, by the way. a really hot mug shot, but a mug shot nonetheless) in Virginia is hitting on me. what's a girl to think? neither of those are particularly convincing reasons though.
this evening was the first time i've logged in and really smiled, in direct response to a smile someone else sent to me.
