12:31 p.m. - 2005-03-06
mornings
Despite feeling reasonably chipper this morning, I seem to be having some difficulties... (after a few hours of manipulating numbers last night, I finally gave in to the seductive call of my cozy flannel sheets, far earlier than normal). I woke up at 6:30 ready for a whole day of studying... or, to be more realistic, a whole day of finding things to do other than study for tomorrow's midterms.) - where was I?
Pouring coffee. And smoothie. So I take my two mugs to the kitchen and refresh my coffee with the last of the pot, turn off the machine, unplug it and tuck it out of the way. Turning to the blender, I reach up and grab the sugar jar, and calmly tip a spoonful of sugar into my smoothie dregs. *sigh* Seems the coffee hadn't kicked in yet.
It's amazing how many ways I can find to kill time - things that absolutely must be done now and not tomorrow or next week, no matter how long they've waited so far. For instance, I finally replaced my front tire, and while I was at it lubed my chain - the poor thing was abusively dry. *sigh* I suck at bike maintenance. If I was more ambitious I might do the back tire too, but since it isn't giving me trouble yet... the only reason I'd swap it is that now my front and rear tires don't match, and image is everything...
I'm starting to regard Crios as a drug - addictive, mildly intoxicating, and a source of withdrawal anxiety... but the longer I'm away from him, the more it fades. I need to sort out my priorities, and settling for the things he represents shouldn't be one of them. My problem is that I look at the potential he holds, and am attracted to it, while conveniently disregarding all the ways in which he fails to attain the goals he could. And, realistically, there's no reason other than personal motivation that he should be trying to reach those goals. Just because I want more for him doesn't mean that he does, and it's stupid of me to presume that he has the same goals that I imagine I would in his position.
Hell, I'd be happy to be with someone who had any goals at all... realistic, reasonable ones, I mean. I've dated guys (oh-so-briefly!) who felt that the world owed them a living, and their goals were all variations on ways to con the system into giving them what they felt they deserved. Right. Because we can all see that simply by virtue of being born a 20th century male, you are entitled to riches aplenty, with the respect and admiration of all those who surround you. Mmmm. Excuse me while I puke.
I admit I'm attracted to an industry that pays reasonably well, and that financial security is a powerful incentive, but the lack of moral satisfaction is what took me out of one such industry in the first place, and I'm not looking for a job where I sit on my ass all day getting paid for breathing - I want to work, to feel as though I'm doing something productive and useful and fulfilling. Clearly, I'm a freak.
Seriously though - is it so wrong to want satisfaction from a job? If I'm going to spend ~40 hours a week at something, shouldn't it be something I enjoy? Why is that so hard to grasp for some people? (of course, these are often the same ones who think the world owes them a living.)
Right. Now I'm just getting bitter, and there's still no sign of anything interesting to read about. *sigh* Maybe next time.
