4:13 p.m. - 2004-08-23
a grain of salt
i really want to talk about him, but i don't know where to start; how he so utterly eclipses any of the other guys i am (was) dating; how even the thought of my crush is a vague and distant thing, no longer painful; how i'm not even (sometimes) thinking about how much i really want to be naked beside him (though i do!) but about how i just want to be with him; he makes my heart race and my eyes glaze, and i'm already terrified at how fast i'm falling for him. this isn't right, this immediate and overpowering response to a stranger, but how could it be wrong?
it's troubling to feel so entirely out of control like this. going back and looking at the last few months, the last couple of years, at the relationships i've been through and my responses to the different guys involved, this eclipses all of it. my response to my crush was the closest thing, and that took a while to build, months to incubate and expand, not an evening.
friday night, when we walked down to the beach in the dark, looking at the water and talking, he told me a lot of things. one of them was that, since he was drunk, i should take anything he said with a grain of salt. one was that he never, ever wanted me to leave him for anything. on sunday, when i dropped him off at work, he told me he loved me, and i didn't know what to say but i wanted to believe him.
go ahead, tell me this is crazy. everyone else has. maybe it is, and maybe it will destroy me. maybe it's what i've looking for all this time.
