11:48 p.m. - 2004-09-17
kingdom of loathing!
so. my excuses are thus;
the kid brother is back in town and that's occasion for celebration. (hell, just the fact that he's in the country is pretty cool. the last time we hung out was in Jo'burg, two years ago, at the WSSD - we're long overdue.) so... he's in town, and mom's up to play too, and tomorrow we go down to granville island (yeah, yeah, tourist central, but it's a price worth paying sometimes) to meet up with Krista (a friend since before kindergarten) and Cathy Kennedy, the mother of my brother's long-time best friend (who i had the hugest crush on in elementary school. um, the best friend, not the mother. my first crush. isn't that sweet?) his kid brother is in town these days, which is why Cathy's in town - visiting her youngest son - so we're all going to hang out in touristy venues and have a little Milton reunion. W00T.
i've also been burning far too much time online with this because it's just clearly the most wonderfulest way to waste time i've found in ages. i'm only level 3 just now, but i've just made myself a barskin tent, so i'm feeling very proud. yes, barskin. from a bar. as in "i reckon there's a lota bar in these here woods. yup." anyway. there's my excuses, for what it's worth.
i've also been spending a bit more time with Jason, and i'm not sure how good an idea that is - he's a lot of fun, and i enjoy his company, but things could easily get out of hand with us. and even that would be ok, i think, if i weren't so very stricken with C still. i just don't know what to think about that. he's back east right now, taking advantage of his time off to go hang with the family. now, i think that part of what makes him unable to fully commit to me is that he's still in love with his ex. he's aware that it's over, and can't be salvaged, but he still really loves her, and it shows (little knives in my heart every time he mentions her). so... he'll see her while he's out there, and i don't know what that means - that he'll be reminded that much more strongly of how he feels? or that he'll suddenly realize how over it really is? or simply that i am not her, and how good or bad that may be - i don't know. there's really no point in worrying about it. what i do spend a lot of time thinking about is damage control - how do i disentangle myself emotionally without getting hurt - or how much of myself am i willing to put on the line? i'm getting too much input from my brain, and i'm no longer certain which words are intuition, which are common sense, which to trust and which to discard.
in the end, i don't think it matters - however things work out, it'll be right. i'm just being too selfish, wanting too much, too fast, from too many sources, and if i don't find the balance soon, it'll all come crashing down on my head. reparable, perhaps, but never the same way twice. hmmm.
