6:35 p.m. - 2005-01-26
Torn
Fragmented into so many nameless pieces and each one of them, when I turn to look, is bleeding, burnt, or gone. A metaphysical and multidimensional quantum emotional state? Possibly.
I don't want to ever give this power to wound me to another living being again, and I don't ever want to wield it.
Every glowing word he says about her takes away from my own self worth.
When I try to imagine being with someone else, it seems impossible that there could be another who could rise to meet my newly raised standards. (mmm. newly? not so new, I suppose. And already my standards were high, but now they may be unattainable.)
And when I look objectively, when I choose to ignore my heart, I can see all the ways that I would never be happy with him, and I know that my pain is jealousy.
I'm jealous that he seems to have found what we all search for, jealous of all the ways he adores her and will never feel for me, jealous of her for having such an intense, passionate, overwhelming lover.
That's key, right there; that although *he* isn't what I'm searching for, the intensity of his emotions, his expressions, the occasionally overwhelming nature of his very presence, is a large part of what I treasure so highly.
I crave intensity and passion, and have never seen it to the degree that I experienced it in him.
I envy her... but only if she has the strength to withstand it. Otherwise I pity her, for having such a gift presented to her, and being unable to accept it. ...but in trusting his assessment and his choice, I don't imagine he would ever choose someone weak.
One day I really want to meet her, to know how amazing she is.
Right now, I can't bear the thought.
And... I know that the friendship he and I have is not going to end because of this. We share too much for either of us to walk away. I was enjoying the amount of time we had for each other, and that's going to shift - it was inevitable - but also understandable, and I wouldn't expect anything else. If it were me, I would be the same.
Crios. I need to address Crios here. I didn't know that I still cared so much, and I wasn't consciously aware (because I didn't want to be?) that I just won't ever feel that way about him. I owe it to him, now that I know, to explain where I stand, to tell him how I feel, about him, and about my past, and let him make his own choice.
I do feel a lot of things about him, good things, strong things, but not passion. Not with the intensity I crave. He doesn't inspire me.
Very few people have ever inspired me.
