6:16 p.m. - 2005-04-11
strange crop
I buried some angst and pain in the garden today, while setting in the tomatoes and peas, staking the sunflowers, fertilizing the garlic, savoring the sun. Little things I forgot I'd been holding onto, bigger things that I can only let go of in pieces.
He holds me so tightly sometimes, and looks at me with those ageless, innocent eyes, and seems so fragile and vulnerable. I feel I could destroy him with a word, a glance, a thought - it scares me. I don't know if I'm seeing something that's really there, or if I'm projecting from my own fractured heart.
I don't see my Deggy much these days, and fear the next time I do. I think he's avoiding me, I know I'm avoiding him, and I miss him so much it hurts. When I hold Crios up against what he is, I get depressed and angry, hopeless, restless, resentful, numb. When he isn't close, and I don't have to see how much more he (in some ways) is, it isn't so bad, and I see clearly the growing love I have for Crios, but in this light it's hard to imagine it could ever be enough.
I'm tired of this. I want it to be enough. To love him, and have him love me, and both be determined to put in the work and pain and joy and care that love demands and deserves, and to have it really, finally, be that simple.
It never is.
