6:53 a.m. - 2005-04-19
wake up, girl
Woke up alone in my own bed this morning. The sun has moved far enough north in the sky to come in my bedroom window when it rises, to hit the living room window as it sets. As it gets higher, it will move around back, into the kitchen - before I leave this morning, my kitchen will be glowing. The seedlings which aren't yet in the garden spent the night on the deck and, barring more hail, will stay out there most of the week.
And I'm waking up.
Crios is great, and being with him is great, but there are still things I need to settle within myself. Spending so much time with him has been distracting me from the things I need to do, things I haven't been looking forward to doing. In some ways it's helped - it's given me confidence to do a few little things that I probably otherwise wouldn't have done, and accelerated others, but he's a catalyst, not a cause.
I don't want to lose him from my life, but I've been clinging too tightly, for my own comfort. He doesn't mind - I think in some ways he enjoys it, because it makes it ok for him to be the same - but neither of us are like that. It's been a respite from strong and hard and alone, to be able to lean into each other so much, and just knowing we can be that for each other is special, but it isn't everything and it isn't enough.
I think we can be more than that, if we haven't already settled too deeply into these roles.
I also know that waking up isn't always as easy as it was this morning.
