6:40 a.m. - 2005-11-17
30
so now I'm 30.
(and depressed and angry and wishing things were different... in so many ways.)
I've been really upset with a lot of things lately, but didn't really know how to express that, explain it, or face it. There's not a lot of solid cause or reason behind it, just a general malaise.
I'm sure that it's partly linked to being "old" - or to being this old without having accomplished the sort of things that seem important or valuable or worthwhile. There are a lot of things I haven't done yet that one day maybe I will, but plenty more that I just won't. Ever. And even if I'm ok with not having done them, I still feel trapped by knowing that now it's not from choice.
And yes, that's borderline melodramatic, and there are plenty more things that it's perfectly feasible for me to do at 30, or 40, or 50 or more, and it isn't as though I've spent my life in front of the tv instead of in doing things, though it may be part of why I'm so troubled these days. Crios spends so much time in front of the tv, and by extension now so do i. Even though i always have a couple of books on the go at his house, it still troubles me to have so much more exposure to the box.
There's more - there's always more - i just need to get back in the habit of writing.
