5:03 p.m. - 2004-07-28
crush
i also went to the store today to talk to my crush. he seemed pleased to see me, and took me out back to admire all the work he's done on his car (and it looks really fucking hot... and so did he... part of me, i swear, was dying there, wanting him so badly when he's so indifferent) and talking about his summer, and his plans for the fall. we chatted for a long time, since the store was dead and his boss is really easy-going, as long as there aren't customers waiting. and, although i found myself wanting to rip his clothes off in the aisle, it also felt so nice just to be talking with him, hearing his voice, and seeing his smile, and enjoying his company.
and i did, in fact, have a couple of reasons for wanting to see him (beside the fact that 8 months later i still have this huge crush), and he's going to bring the phone number and the book in to the store tomorrow so i can come by and get them. he even said he'd take me for a ride too, but i'm not sure when (if) that'll happen. possibly sometime after august 13th, if i'm lucky. and if not... well, at least i can still go into the store, and he's still really helpful and friendly with me, and i'm grateful for that - if he was cold, or tried to avoid me, it would hurt terribly, but since i never even told him how i felt, it's possible he just has no idea. most of the men i know are stunningly clueless when it comes to women and feelings, and i don't think he would knowingly do anything to hurt me - i think he really did just get bored with what we had, and assumed that since i'd never opened up to him emotionally, i had no desire to. intellectually i know that we're not a good long-term match, and since emotionally i'm so hesitant to get hurt again, it just seems... safer, i guess, not to have told him how i felt, or set myself up for what could have been both of us getting hurt, instead of just me. yes, i'm afraid to tell him how i felt. feel. what i still want. i don't know what the right thing is any more.
